He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
this just has baby written all over it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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