I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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