C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I made him laugh his dick is mine
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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