So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
