I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
