if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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