Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
