Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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