i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
