i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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