there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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