I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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