we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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