I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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