I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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