I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
