Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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