theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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