I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it's great music for shaving your balls
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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