im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
