Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
