Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
