Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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