I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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