I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
