i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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