I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
