Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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