i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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