I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
