My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
