About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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