hotel room ftw
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
