Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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