My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
