Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
