Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
