So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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