I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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