my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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