my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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