remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
