got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
