I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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