I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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