his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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