i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
