just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
