look no pants
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
