it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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