i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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