we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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