If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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