hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
